Running For Life

NO MORE Marathon Training

23 Days….

So yeah…it’s been 23 days and I’ve only run once…ugh!!! Not gonna get that marathon done this way, am i?   Ever since Halloween, I’ve been in kind of a tail spin about life in general and like then, this past week, I got sick so…I’m slowly but surely getting back to the point where I can start running again.   I hope I didn’t get set back too far.   We shall see…tomorrow is a scheduled running day..i’m gonna need to squeeze out at least 4 so, we will see how that goes…I got new shoes to help me get motivated (and got suckered into inserts) but if anyone out there has any words of wisdom to help me get my happy ass back out and running again…I would love to hear whatever it is you’ve got to say!

Till tomorrow, keep on keep’n on.

This is sooo not about running but…..

Bottomline up front…I’m truly struggling with being strong, courageous and patient….not that any of those things were ever a strong suit for me (especially patience), but FUCK!!!!   Major setback.   I’m having a hard time believing in myself today and I feel a major shame spiral coming on…one that just might take a bottle of vodka or two to bring to an end.   What sparked this spiral you might ask?…well, I’ll tell you…I gave into the daemons of fear and panic and anxiety and I texted the ex….after 12 days of no response to his last email to me, I broke down and sent him a f’n text. Worst part is….i had worked up several responses to his email in the days following; all of which I promptly saved to my draft folder knowing I should never and would never send…and what makes it even worse is those draft responses were FAR better than the shit I sent. Fuck me!   What was I thinking?   I tell you what I was thinking…I was thinking that I was scared and lonely and I wanted so badly to feel connected and cared for and loved…i was feeling overwhelmed with the idea that maybe there is something so inherently wrong with me that I will never find someone who will get me for who I am…who will love me for all that I am and more importantly, for all that I’m not…(oh gawd and yeah, I used that same turn of phase in my text to him…telling him that I wanted to learn to love him for all that he isn’t), I fucking did it…Geeze Louise…and the worst part is, I’m not entirely sure I meant anything in what I said to him….how crazy is that?   I mean, in the moment I wrote it..and even in the moment I sent it, I think I meant it.   I think there is a part of me that truly wants to learn to love and accept someone for who they are without judgement.   I’ve never in my life loved anyone in that way…he was the closest I ever came and I think there is a part of me that believes that I could find that kind of love with him if he truly was the person he pretended to be for the first two years we were together…but damn, the past several months have proven the fact that he’s not.   He’s a selfish scared little boy…so, I guess… rather than going down the shame spiral, I should look at this as a victory for me…cuz here’s the deal…for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to another much so that I put my pride aside and allowed myself to be fully exposed in order to show someone love…and even though that love was not reciprocated…I was able to do it…I opened up…and now that I think about it, I don’t think it was an accident that the text I sent was one that demonstrated my desire and ability to do that…the text I sent was totally unlike the nasty responses that I crafted and saved to draft.

For the first time in my life, I dared greatly to be seen wholly as some who is vulnerable and in need of connection on a deep and personal level and though he’s not ready to accept and receive that from me…I think I’m getting closer to getting to that point..if not with him, then with someone who one day might be man enough to get and appreciate me for me for all that I am…..

Sorry if this had nothing to do with running…promise..I will start to focus more on that from now on….

I Miss You……


Been feeling a little down today.   I didn’t run last night and I’m procrastinating doing it now!

Quite frankly, this is normally one of the happiest times of the year for me.   I love Halloween!!!  I love everything about it!!!..ever since I was a kid, Halloween has brought me such great joy and as I grew into an adult, I’ve not only passed that love on to my kids, I have expanded my love for the “holiday” to span across three days, All Hollow’s Eve, All Saints Day and All Souls Day…more specifically, celebrating what is known in Latin cultures as Día de los Muertos (day of the day).   I first learned about this tradition while I was visiting one of my best friends in Albuquerque, NM many many years ago.  At first, my love for the day was more a draw to the macabre figurines that are used to celebrate the holiday.


As I learned more about the tradition,  I realize it was a true celebration; a day of respect and honor for those who have passed on and for whom we still remember and love…yeah, the Aztec beginnings of this day have been bastardized and forced to meld with the catholic feast days (and just so you know…that’s said with levity out of sarcasm – hate that I have to explain that but I’m sure there will be someone offended by that statement if I don’t clarify) but the thing is…in the end, it’s a day set aside for us to remember the people who we love and miss so much since leaving this earth (and our lives)….for me, I feel so comforted by the idea of having a day devoted to remembering my Aunt Claire and what she meant to me when she was alive.   I read somewhere that on this day, the planes between the worlds of the dead and the living collide and there is a potential to lure your loved ones back by creating alters dedicated to them and filling the alters with things that they loved while they were living…last year, I created an alter for my Aunt Claire…I made Brandy Alexanders and put out photos of her and decorated the alter with flowers and my “day of the dead”  figurines….when I told my told my brother about it he said, “hey, if she comes back, ask her if we can have her meatball recipe.”  He cracks me up…but the thing is, she truly touched everyone who knew her.   She was our matriarch…she was the glue that held our entire extended family together….she was nothing short of amazing and I loved her with all my heart….and I loved making that alter for her…even if she wasn’t going to pay me a visit and reveal her meatball recipe to me, I loved spending the time that I did, making that alter to remember her.

In addition to having the alter dedicate to my Aunt Claire,  the person I was dating at the time…the person who I loved so dearly, had shared space on the alter for his father who had just recently passed away….we joked about how if both he and my aunt came back and met each other how much they would have enjoyed each other’s company.   I never got to meet his father before he passed away, but I was told about what a character he was….and if even half the stories I was told were true, my Aunt would have most certainly enjoined hanging out with him, having a cocktail or ten….(she liked the drink; we were kindred sprits for sure).

Sadly though, this year I didn’t put up the alter….I didn’t even put out my Halloween decorations.   I find myself still in this state of emptiness trying like hell to fake being better long enough that I can even convince myself of it….I’m sorry Aunt Claire for dropping the ball this year…but please know that I still will be thinking of you…wishing I could see you again…cuz in the words of Carly Simon,  “It would be so fine to see your face at my door.”  I miss you lady!

So far away; Doesn’t anybody stay in one place any more?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door;
Doesn’t help to know you’re just time away;
Long ago I reached for you and there you stood;
Holding you again could only do me good;
How I wish I could, but you’re so far away

One more song about movin’ along the highway;
Can’t say much of anything that’s new;
If I could only work this life out my way;
I’d rather spend it bein’ close to you;

But you’re so far away, doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door;
Doesn’t help to know you’re so far away
Yay-uh-ay-eee; Oh, so far away

Travelin’ around sure gets me down and lonely;
Nothin’ else to do but close my mind;
I sure hope the road don’t come to own me;
Yet so many dreams I’ve yet to find;

But you’re so far away, doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door;
And it doesn’t help to know you’re so far away

Two Days In a Row!!!

So check it…I’m not only posting on this site twice in one week but in two consecutive days! Think that might be a record…certainly not something I plan to make a habit of, but I felt the desire to do it today cuz I had such an awesome run last night.   Sunday was kinda shitty cuz I only did two miles and was not feeling it at all…I was bummed with myself cuz it seemed like I was starting to give up again.   I had only run twice the week before and then Sunday was so hard I felt defeated…BUT, I was determined to do at least 4 last night to make up for lack of miles on Sunday and I ended up doing 5.25.   It was the perfect fall night…cool, windy and by the time I got out there, most of the tourist were done for the day.

Side note: I frigg’n hate DC tourists….i know, they are a necessary evil for this city and I have been a tourist in many cities myself but when I travel, I try really hard not to be a complete douche bag and try to respect the fact that people actually live in the cities that I visit…these ass hats do not seem to reciprocate the same courtesy…the one thing that really sends me over the edge is when they don’t abide by simple cross walk rules…trying to drive in DC is a bit like playing GTA to begin with…when you add a bunch of dumbass tourists into the mix it makes it nearly impossible to get to work without killing someone….anyway, I digress.

Yeah…so my run last night was just so awesome….i didn’t have to pick up BB4 cuz she was with her dad, it was just me all night…I had all the time in the world to run and enjoy the city….it could not have been any more perfect..the leaves are all turning here in DC and as the wind blew it almost looked as if it was snowing big flakes of gold and red and brown…so so cool. Here are some pics I took along the way…

IMG_0893 (4) FullSizeRender (5) FullSizeRender (3) IMG_0897 (3) IMG_0890 (3) IMG_0908 (3)

In the end, I was so happy and feeling so good.   It just all made me realize, that for right now…this is all I need to keep me occupied as I sort out what’s next for me.

Till next time my little violets…keep on keep’n on.

“Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive”

Okay…so now that the race is over, I’m finding it hard to keep up my commitment to running.   I have been toying with the idea of doing another marathon to keep me focused through the winter…it’s part of this “I’m turning 50 and I need something to make me feel like I’m still alive” kinda thing.  Shit man, I’m turning 50!!!  WTF??? When did I become old?

Anyway…this year (2015), has been one of the worst years in my most recent history…the last time I’ve had an even worse year was 2005….Maybe it has something to do with years ending in “5?”….interestingly enough…I was born in one of those years.

But, whatever…so to marathon or not to marathon..that is the real question here.   I think it’s probably the best thing for me to do right now.   I need to keep my head clear and focused on something that is positive and challenging….see, as I mentioned in my last post, I broke up with someone (or more accurately, he broke up with me) this past April…someone I cared very deeply for and now I find myself in this weird place….like, it might sound really stupid but the person I had spent the last two years with was someone I learned to love…and though that might not sound like a big deal to most, it was the first time that I felt that way about anyone besides my kids…and as a result, I have been dealing with emotions and feelings that most people learn to deal with in young adulthood….so like everything else in my life, the timing of it was all ass backwards…though, like all shitty things that happen in life, there are secondary effects that become life changing and very positive…like being able to reconnect with my kids, learning to forgive my mother, learning how to play guitar and you know…shit like that.   So, I move forward, trying to make the best of a very very shitty situation and not let it take over me;  making me become a bitter old Miss Havisham.  Nope, I’m gonna be like Pip and become a better man in the wake of ruined expectations and plan to run another marathon…cuz you know, that’s what you do when you need to readjust your course, right?


To be honest….i have to admit, that running has been the one constant that has helped me though a lot of situations…and damn, I’ve been such a bad girlfriend….like, I never really seem to appreciate what running brings to the table…. it’s always been there for me…it makes me feel happy and alive; it’s soooo good for me….my blood pressure is awesome, my cholesterol is amazing, my pulse is fantastic for someone who’s 50…like what more could I want from a relationship?  I’m sorry baby…I promise I’ll do better by loving and appreciating all you’ve been to me…

So…now I just need to decide which marathon….the two that I’ve been thinking about doing (rock ‘n roll DC and the Shamrock in VA Beach) are both in the March timeframe so I have a little time left to decide….in the meantime, check out how beautiful the trees were on Sunday..on my short Sunday run…like what could be more soul inspiring?????

IMG_0874 (2)

Till next time buttercups..keep on keeping on…

Army 10 Miler

So…yeah, I did it.   I ran the Army 10 Miler and unfortunately…I hate to say this but it was a very hallow victory.   I ran it only to prove to myself that I will not give up…but the fact of the matter is…I was supposed to run this race with someone that I loved and who I thought loved me….shit, he even created a site for us to track our training runs on…

but I guess like every thing in life…there is a constant movement to an end…and sadly, our love and our relationship has ended…and I guess the only thing I have left is a couple of memories and this website…

so what now…well, I’ve decided to keep moving forward on the one thing that I can control and that is me…I’ve joined one of the more difficult running groups in the area and hopefully that will give me the impetus to get my ass in gear and start running again…consistently and to take care of me…..

I’m toying with the idea of doing a spring marathon to keep me busy through the winter…this is going to be a long cold winter for sure.   I need something to keep my eyes we shall see…

but, for now….here are a couple of photos of the race.   It was a beautiful day and to be honest…i’m pissed at myself for not letting go and just enjoying the day for what it was…guess I need to keep working on that. IMG_0412 (3) IMG_0413

Until next time…keep on keep’n on…. I know i will be…


Age of Enlightenment

Hello my little lilies….

Yeah, it’s been yet another gap in service but at least it wasn’t like two years this time….so like here’s the deal, I’ve been through a lot of shit in the past two years so cut a sistah some slack. Actually, since the last time I wrote on this blog, I got divorced, lost the love of my life, filed for an annulment for my first marriage (which has been pending since 1998) and moved out to the f’n suburbs.   So yeah, haven’t had a ton of time to run..but I find myself committed once again to run a race that I’m not really ready to run but this time I think I’m gonna try to actually train properly sooooooo to that end, I started my training for the Army 10 Miler. Like I got into the lottery back in May and promised myself that today I’d start like really training…and check it..i did! Got up at 6:30 on a Sunday morning…did some meditation, yoga, took the dog out for a walk and then headed out for my first training run. It was waaaaay ugly know cuz I’ve been drinking and smoking like it was my job for the past two years…BUT, man…it was so beautiful outside.   One of the only nice things about living in the suburbs is they have these like planned urban development that have like lakes and trails and shit…and as much as I want to hate everything about the burbs…I have to say, having trails and lakes to run around is pretty okay …and what makes it even cooler is seeing shit like this.

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Like seeing shit like this helps me put thing into perspective…I mean like…I’ve got to get out of my head and stop only seeing and feeling the shitty things in life and focus on what is still beautiful and pure…I mean look at this dude…he’s just straight up chill’n.   Like he’s fully awakened and trying to tell me to take it down a notch and just chill the F out.   So yeah…gonna try to take a lesson from my friend the crane here and stop with the negative waves.

In the end…I got it done…three miles..not even gonna tell you how bad my time was…but it’s a beginning and I’m just happy I got out there and did it.   Here’s me with my happy face…


Hopefully, you’ll be hearing a ton more from me….at least between now and October….by the way, I’m toying with the idea of doing the Woodrow Wilson ½ marathon the weekend right before the Army 10 Miler so I’m gonna have to really kick it into gear.   We shall see…

Until next time…keep on keep’n on.

Hello Again!!

266-800It’s been two years since I’ve posted anything new on this blog…I wish I could say I had some really good reason for the hiatus but…sadly, there isn’t…I mean there isn’t any good reason other than the fact that I let the minutia of life take the wheel…and shit..we all know the outcomes of letting that happen…marriages fail, careers end, friends part…..and we end up looking back saying, “well, how did I get here?” (Sorry for the cheesy reference David).

Well my little skittles, it’s time the hiatus ended and I got back to business…shit man, this whole running thing really has been such a perfect metaphor for my life. I start, I stop and then start again, but never really ever give up. I just keep coming back…and trying again.

Several weeks ago I attempted to get back in the swing of things by rejoining my old running group and buying some fancy new shoes. By the way…you know you’ve been away from running a long time when go to buy new shoes and the guy in the running store asks, “what are you running in now?” and you respond by saying, “Nike Structure” and he looks at you in a way that you know he recognizes your own embarrassment because that shoes has been discontinued for about two years. But I digress….

With the shitty weather we had in DC this winter and going in and out of being sick, I found it hard to get back in a groove…but, this past Sunday I started with a new mindset and a new motivation. That motivation came from someone I care very deeply for and who, though a series of his own realizations, helped me remember all the things I wanted to be and to do but seemed to lose sight of. The new mindset came from a realization I had…I know, I know…I’ve had all kinds of realizations and epiphanies yada yada yada yada…but here’s the thing, man….like, I think this one is legit…like, I realized that typically…the way I operate in life is that I kinda just skate by…doing the bare minimum, convincing myself that I’m doing my best…but every now and then, someone comes along..someone with balls down to their knees and calls me out, saying to me..”no man, you’re not fU*&ing trying hard enough.” When that happens, at first I get super pissed (as you can imagine)…but then I become super motivated, cuz I hate getting called out for shit that I know, deep in my heart, I’m guilty of doing but have convinced myself that it’s okay. Whelp, it’s not okay…and I’m getting my ass back in gear.

Sunday started off with a quick little run just to get me moving again.   It was the first beautiful morning we’ve had in months…it was about 40 degrees and sunny and the snow and ice were just starting to fade under a most welcomed early spring sun. I did about 2.5 miles and I felt awesome…I was so happy to be back. But last night, oh man, last night was my first real test.   I left work at 5 PM and did not get out of the city (less than 2 miles) until almost 7 PM. I missed running with my group and to add to the mix, it was pouring rain, but I had my workout written on my hand ( 4 x 1000 meters with 100 meter recoveries and then 5 x 200 meters with 100 meter recoveries) and I was determined to get it done.   I went to Ben Brennan Park..cuz like I’ve run that park so many times I have every meter marked in my head…and started my run.   It was pouring down rain and super foggy…like, it reminded me of a scene in some horror movie with the warmth of the rain causing fog to rise up off the still frozen pond but it was perfect!!!   I felt so good to be out there…to be running again and taking care of me.   Whoot! Can hardly wait for Thursday.

So, with that my little chickadees…farewell until next time!

So, What Next?


IMAG0242I just looked at the date of my last post and I realized it’s been a while since I’ve added a new post. After all that hoopla about a new beginnings yada yada yada….i dropped the ball; but, not really. Since the New Year, I have made some positive steps toward changing things in my life…regaining some of who I used to be and trying so hard to get back to running (consistently). I think, in the New Year, I was intending it all to go a little faster…you know all the garbage about getting back to doing the things I love…but I guess evolution takes time.

So what has inspired me lately??? I guess it’s been a series of things but honestly, one of the biggest and most positive changes I have made was running without music. I know, right??? Sounds nuts…like how could something so innocuous have such a huge impact right?? Especially for me…someone who can’t function in a car without having the radio blaring…

Funny side note story…I was driving to work the other day and it was such a beautiful day, I had the sun roof open and I was BLARING my radio. I was listing to all my gansta rap (cuz you know I’m such an OG), and as I pulled into the parking garage, found my spot and started to back into the spot, I looked up and saw the parking attendant dancing to my song but motioning to me to turn my f’n radio down. Hilarious! At least I thought it was….

But anyway back to my no music while running thing…it turns out, that listening to music kept me for the main reason why I run in the first place. Running, for me, is the one time when I really get to focus on things I’m dealing with and sort through them to make sense of it all. When I started listen to music and tracking my times and mileage, I started to get away from the therapeutic reason for running and was focusing too much on my type A tendency to be a competitive ahole. The minute I turned off the music, I started to regain my perspective on what next…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and though I don’t have a complete picture on what’s next 5, 10, 15 years down the road…I do know what’s next for now…

On that note, I had a FANTASIC run yesterday. The day could not have been more perfect. Washington spring mornings can only be compared to Washington fall mornings. Check out some of the pics….

My Epiphany; 2013


Happy New Year my little petunias!

It’s time to welcome in the New Year, set new goals, make new resolutions, and wipe the slate clean. I’m actually pretty stoked about the New Year. 2012 was shitty…there’s no sugar coat’n that one. I fell so far behind in my training because of work and stuff with the baby bears 1 – 4; you know the usual, daughter getting married, daughter off to college and turning a milestone age. Also, 2012 sucked colossally because it seemed like everyone around me was either getting really sick (like cancer) or died. I felt like I spent the entire year walking through a minefield trying to console those around me while at the same time trying to take cover. I felt I had a successful year just getting by treading water.
But, 2012 is done…it’s in the books and I have nothing to do with any longer.

On to 2013 and so far so good!!!! Since December 27, I have run 6 times, burned well over 3,000 calories, and coved just over 20 miles. I haven’t had a drink since New Year’s (and only had 2 glasses of wine then), and I have lost 2 lbs since New Year’s DAY! I am on frigg’n FIRE! *sniff sniff* what’s that smell? Well, that would be the smoke you’re smell’n from me being so frigg’n on FIRE!!!

I so love New Year’s. I know there are many of you out there that just view it as another day but I honestly believe it’s so much more than that. I think it’s a day that allows us to restart. It’s a do over that happens once and year enabling us to wipe the slate clean…and if we really want’s a good time to reinvent ourselves. I kinda cringe when I use the word “reinvent” cuz it conjures up some goofy image of 1970’s hippies trying to “reinvent” the middle class. Ugh! Whatever.

No, my idea to reinvent is more a product of me wanting to recapture some of the things from who I once was and not really changing who I am…I guess I want to change who I have become… slightly. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of who I have become at a base level…I’m stronger, more confident, and much more mature than I was but somewhere along the way of divorce and children and trying to develop a career, I kinda forgot the person I was…

Well, thanks to the “2013 Do Over”, I am going to remember! I spent the past several days really thinking about what it means to be me..what are the things that make me happy and what are the things that I’ve picked up and that have stuck with and that have help shape who I am. Initially, there was an exhaustive list of things that I indexed in my musing but the list all could be summed up to 5 things and here they are in no particular order:

My family
Being outside
Being creative whether it be baking, decorating, planning a party, or even writing this blog

I could go on for DAYS about the first two things on that list, but I’ll spare you, for now.

If you’re still with me at this point, I’m SURE you’re asking yourself…”what the f does this have to do with running?” Well, maybe it doesn’t. I think I just wanted to share my enthusiasm for the positive changes I’m trying to make. And, I’m gonna start trying to figure out a way that I can fold those 5 things into this there’s the tie back.

Welp…it’s time for me to close down and go get my running clogies on and sneak in a run before BB4’s Christmas Pageant (you know..for the feast of The Epiphany). GAWD I love the New Year!!!

Till next time rose buds…keep on keep’n on.

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